Dear TheDailyWhat:

I think it’s time to retire the minimalist posters. Seriously.

Also: enough cluttering my tumblr dashboard with what clearly looks like wannabe viral advertising (like the shitpiles of Toy Story 3 posts) and shitty band music videos (and why do you keep posting Insane Clown Posse bullshit? Pretty sure they had their relevancy card revoked like 10 fucking years ago).

I swear there’s a daily cycle of hating bullshit you post and the fact that supporting your posts with a like or reblog is like supporting the Microsoft of tumblr, given the amount of actual original content (hint: 0%) while your tumblarity is based off of other blog content (some of which even being from tumblr - while they don’t get the credit or the tumblarity). THAT SAID: just when I’m so goddamn sick of the complete sellout toolishness I feel while reading the above nonsense and knowing what a sellout blog TDW is (honestly, The Cheezburger Network - you fuckin’ kidding me?)…you post some epic fucking shit that is hilarious and I feel the need to share amongst friends or you post a solid list of full of neat, interesting and funny aggregated content from around the net (sometimes well before they actually go viral - but is that really your find or the uncredited folk that email you the tip?)…and totally redeem yourself. It’s like a relationship where I can’t stand to hear your actual opinion on things or your shitty musical taste, but you have a great set of tits and you let me do things with your asshole that other girls don’t, so I feel like it’s worth JUST enough in the end to stick around and ignore the generally retarded nature along the way.

HOW CAN YOU RECTIFY THIS SITUATION, YOU ASK:

1. Enough with the minimalist shit. I get it. I thought it was cool the first 15 times. Now it’s getting old. Really old. Maybe an alternative is to save a few up and put it as a bullet point in one of your content lists. This gives people the option to check them out if they’re still into it. Example: “this artist took a minimalist approach to Oceans 11 by putting a fucking red dot in the middle of a huge blank canvas.” Fucking revolutionary.
2. I’m as big of a fan of the Toy Story franchise as anyone, but goddamn. I’m not exactly clamoring for the latest character to be revealed. Can’t you save that shit for an aggregated content list? Maybe a Caturday list would be more appropriate, given the generally whimsical nature of a Saturday off and the fact that I’m less interested in being distracted from work with kid movie characters than I am watching the hilarious failure of someone on YouTube. This is especially important for those of us who work with people we want to see hurt in some way - primarily in the physical sense. This is a good time to hit up that market. (Looking at you, girl with an easy job you make out to be so fucking difficult while you seem to think you’re somehow a ghetto white girl who is WAY too fucking old to be trying to look/act like P!nk…looking at you…)
3. Shitty band posts: let’s rethink this while we’re at it. You may legitimately like a band most people find horrendous and want to help them out with your tumblr cred, but at the end of the day that cred is based off of aggregating funny and interesting content from around the internet. If there is nothing cool or funny about the music video, why include it? Most especially, why feature it in it’s own post? At the very least aggregate this nonsense into a list post. Maybe think about getting a personal blog and displaying your shitty taste in music there. “YO DRE’S VIDEO FROM HIS ALBUM ‘BOUT 2 DROP” is fucking stupid.

I think a major point in all three above is that all non-epic content should go into an aggregated list. By giving people the power to scan over a list and pick and choose what content they want to view (with an adequate description - like “TIRED ASS INSANE CLOWN POSSE STRIKES AGAIN!”) you decrease the amount of rage that ensues when they’re forced to wade through the bullshit otherwise.

File this under “I have no tumblr cred anyway.”